Between the Otherworlds

 

I don’t know how i want to start writing this but I’ll just give it a go, going through my notes it made me realize how much I’ve endured and how much I’ve grown, how many times I’ve been betrayed and how many times i got back up.. so I’m not stopping now.

It’s been almost two months since i moved abroad, I’m living in a whole new world. New cultures, new experiences, new people, new things I’ve never heard of before and actions i never expected. 

Over those two months I’ve had the walk through the otherworlds, I was and still am torn apart between heaven and hell. 

It all started with a mix of fear, anxiety, excitement, happiness and somehow sadness, two opposites being present simultaneously seems like an impossible thing but i could swear i felt it, i swear i still do. 

I am so proud of myself for making it this far, i am so happy and lucky to be here, yet i still can’t feel genuine happiness… why is there always a need for more? 

No matter how many people you meet, how much you go out, what you say or what you do, you will end up alone by the end of the day, feeling alone, the void within expanding, things aren’t improving. 

I love myself, or so i say.. yet i always feel the need to be loved. I always care for those around me but i never feel cared for, I’m terrified, stunned, pterified, that some day I’ll end up all alone, i will go down forgotten, nothing more than food for the worms and compost for the earth. At least i am a part of something after all? 

I want to do so much, explore so much, experience so much, learn so much, yet i barely have the will or energy to lift a finger. I keep fighting my demons, trying to force myself out of this bubble I’m in. 

I’m lost and confused, i keep asking myself, i keep wondering, am i not enough? Do i not look like i’m worth it? Because i know for a fact that anyone would be the luckiest to have me, yet it seems impossible for them to notice, to see my worth, to appreciate my care.

For some reason I’m always holding back so much, while giving up so much, I’m sacrificing pieces of myself to satisfy others, I don’t think it’s right, that my path to happiness is by making others happy, watching others smile or laugh because of something i did or said. 

I suffer and struggle, i look back at the memories of, days, weeks, months, and years ago.. only to realize that I’ve ascended as a person, i have truly grown and matured, yet i keep falling into the abyss. Into the endless darkness that is my thoughts, my emotions. 

I cannot grasp reality, as if I’m always living in a dream, in a fairytale or in my imagination, i feel like my life is a pre-written story, I’m supposed to struggle just to find my path to happiness, to achieve my ultimate dream, i cannot grasp how difficult it is, to achieve the simplest of dreams. It’s rather strange how things vanish the second you need them. 

I know I’m emotionally unstable, at least it’s what i think. I doubt people notice it, I’ve grown to adapt with it, grown to know how to hide it. I know I’m looking for something precious, but I’m looking in the wrong place. What am i even doing with myself, my time? Everyone is here to fuck around, have fun, waste time, forget about commitments, forget about the shit they’re in.

Yet here i am, doing everything except i am unable to control my feelings, my thoughts, my attachments, i overthink things, a simple nudge towards the wrong direction could change my whole opinion about something and I won’t think twice of it. 

So much is built on false hope, so much is built on very unstable foundations, so much is doomed to collapse, yet i keep building on top of that, i feel like maybe i should just let it crumble down, maybe i should just destroy myself and start from scratch, rebuild myself the way i should be, stronger, more independent, emotionally smarter, wiser.. as easy as it sounds, I can’t even begin to imagine how many years it could take just for the first part, how much pain and effort has to be put into my self project, yet i believe i should. 

I feel like isolating myself from the world. Going on vacation alone, all by myself. Location? Unknown. Destination? Unknown. 

Just myself, the road and i. Catch a train, get off at any stop, book a hostel and explore the city. 

Social media puts too many expectations in my head, i dream to be successful, to have a loving wife, live in a small home with our sweet but crazy puppy walter, maybe alfred? 

I want stability in life, to get things over with, i need to know my goal, because otherwise i will never progress, i will be left behind in the past while everyone else moves forward, everyone else moves on. Just like they already moved on from me before, just like i was abandoned once. Why wouldn’t i be abandoned again? What’s so special about me? 

Literally everything is the answer. 

That’s what kills me, i know how unique i am, how precious, how different, how special, how so very truly as perfect as one can be. Yet i dare doubt myself, just because of some strangers not being nice? Fuck that noise. 

It’s exhausting, to keep on the mask, the fake smile, just not to burden people around me, just not to show my weaknesses, we’re all weak, we all lose it, yet my demons are telling me to torture myself, let the cards fold and let things play out, let the water take its course, lay back and watch. 

Dortmund, 14.11.2022, 5:20:25